Pass The Adult Wisdom, Please

A Conversation at the Grown-up Table, as Imagined at the Kids' Table, by Simon Rich for The New Yorker:

Mom: Pass the wine, please. I want to become crazy.

Dad: OK.

Grandmother: Did you see the politics? It made me angry.

Dad: Me, too. When it was over, I had sex.

Uncle: I'm having sex right now.

Dad: We all are.

Mom: Let's talk about which kid I like the best.

Dad: (laughing) You know, but you won't tell.

Mom: If they ask me again, I might tell.

Friend from work: Hey, guess what! My voice is pretty loud!

Dad: (laughing) There are actual monsters in the world, but when my kids ask I pretend like there aren't.

Mom: I'm angry! I'm angry all of a sudden!

Dad: I'm angry, too! We're angry at each other!

Mom: Now everything is fine.

Dad: We just saw the PG-13 movie. It was so good.

Mom: There was a big sex.

Friend from work: I am the loudest! I am the loudest!

(Everybody laughs)

Mom: I had a lot of wine, and now I'm crazy!

Grandfather: Hey, do you guys know what God looks like?

All: Yes.

Grandfather: Don't tell the kids.